I'm going to go make Chex Mix. Actually, I'm going to start the Chex Mix, then once it's in the oven, I'm going to go upstairs and put on my pajamas and get my Christmas decorations out and put them around my house. I am going to string lights through my staircase railing and put my "Sleigh Bells Ring" sign on the front door and put my brunette angels and some candles out and everything. I only make Chex Mix during the holidays, see, so it has to be the holidays in order for it to make sense that I'm making it.
Because I don't know what else to do. Part of me wonders if I'm only bringing the holidays into my house because they sooner they come, the sooner they will go, the sooner it will be the new year and I can move on.
I don't want to dread them. I love Christmas, I love that my birthday is six days before Christmas, I love the food and the cheer and the music and the family and the presents and the cards.
Why, then, do I feel like I just want to get through them? Why is does this year feel like a chapter I just want to close?
What makes me think that everything, that anything, is going to be better next year?
12.02.03
The thing is, I know I'm not the first person who ever felt this way. I'm not the only person who feels it now.
I'm not the only one who just wants to get through the holiday season without noticing that there is no one they need to buy presents for because there is no one sitting across from them at breakfast in the morning or watching television with them on the couch in the evening or lying next to them in bed at night.
I'm not the only one who has a visceral reaction to loneliness. I'm not the only one whose heart has been hurt, not by another person, but by a situation, a circumstance. By the lack of another person. By my own damn self, basically. I broke it alone, but I can't figure out how to fix it alone. I feel like I should be able to.
I'm not the only one who gets lost. Who gets so lost they can't even see the door to the way out. Who can do nothing but sit and wait for it to appear, because hunting for it has proven pointless.
But you know what? Knowing that doesn't help me. Knowing that I'm not the only one doesn't alleviate anything. This particular misery does not enjoy the benefits of company.
12.03.03
Here's a few things I've done since the last time I updated properly, which was, I believe, October 1.
I went to JournalCon 2003. Parts of it were amazing. Parts of it made me want to quit journaling. I wore an above-the-knee skirt for the first time in seven years and let me tell you, people cared. Seriously. Men, women, children were coming up to me telling me how hot I looked.
(Right. But it was important to me. That's all that matters, I guess.)
I saw Eddie Izzard from the second row. I hear other people say he wasn't that funny, but I didn't stop laughing for more than about ten seconds at any point during the entire show. (Of course, he could stand up there and watch paint dry and I'd probably still think he was funny. Did I mention I was in the second row?) I bought a Sexie t-shirt.
On a related note, I bought Sexie lipstick and Sexier lipglass from MAC. The lipglass looks good, the lipstick is a little dark, but it could be bright purple with yellow stripes and I'd still have to have it.
I bought new glasses. I think I bought
my old glasses in Los Angeles, which would mean they were at least six
years old. More than one person told me they were geeky. I bought new
ones, hip ones, and now I'm wearing them all the time. I'll start
wearing contacts again in January, probably.
I bonded with the guy in the glasses store and the next day he called to tell me he had a job lead for me. He was so cool.
At my old job, I talked to a random lawyer in Atlanta for like twenty minutes, helping him figure out what to do for a client whose child had been taken to Costa Rica. At the end of the conversation I gave him my e-mail address and he commented on my name, saying he knew someone with that last name fifteen years ago.
It was my father.
At my new job, my supervisor said she also knew someone with my last name fifteen years ago. She left a job to go to law school and a woman with my name replaced her.
It was my mother.
These two things freaked me out considerably.
I went back to work at the same firm where I worked earlier this year. I hated it then. But they called and asked for me specifically, and that flattered me, so I said yes because I am a sucker. It is marginally better now. I am there as a contract attorney instead of a paralegal, which means I am getting paid more. I work with some very cool guys. It's tolerable. I will be there through March. (Hey, out there, one of you once wrote me saying you worked in the same building. Write me again, we'll have lunch!)
I got accidentally invited to the firm's swanky Christmas party. Human Resources accidentally invited two of the other contract attorneys I work with. They weren't supposed to be invited at all, but since they invited those two, they decided to invite the other guy and I, but we aren't supposed to tell anyone. (I think the cat will be out of the bag when we show up, but whatever.)
I went to Best Buy the Sunday after Thanksgiving and spent $80 on Christmas music. (I got 8 CDs, though, 9 if you count a 2-disc set, so I think I made out pretty well.)
I watched the latest Democrat debate and I came up with nicknames for all of them.
John "Would You Like Ketchup With That?" Kerry
Howard "I Can Be Your Jed Bartlet" Dean
Carol "What Do You Mean, I Don't Have A Chance In Hell?" Moseley Braun
Al "Tawana Who?" Sharpton
Dick "The -ph- In My Name Is Not Prounounced Like An F" Gephardt
John "What? Huh? Did You Say Something?" Edwards
General Wesley "I Can Kill You With One Hand, You Punk" Clark
Dennis "Stop Looking At My Ears" Kucinich
Joe "My Invitation Got Lost In The Mail" Lieberman
By the way, it's going to be Howard Dean. And I don't think the Republicans would be spending so much energy deriding him if they weren't a little afraid of him. And can I just ask something? Why do Republicans feel the need to patronize Dean supporters? When I was home for Thanksgiving, my uncle noticed the Dean bumper sticker on my car and said, "That's okay, we're all allowed lapses in judgment at certain points in our lives."
That pissed me off. I'm a smart, well-educated woman. I don't believe what I believe because one day I woke up and decided to be a Democrat, and therefore I now agree with everything any Democrat ever says. It's not a lapse in judgment. I've thought about it. I've considered the issues thoroughly and made independent, personal decisions about where I stand. My opinion deserves to be respected, whether you agree with me or not.
So there.