I am exhausted and wired and angry and disappointed and frustrated and sad and quite thankful that I have therapy tomorrow.

Exhausted because I had another 9:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. day away from my apartment. It wasn't all at school, but I had to drive over to Chocolateville (I'm getting so lax about keeping my location secret... I guess I just won't put in the name of the school to avoid random search results) for an eye doctor appointment, after which I had to drive home with my eyes dilated and even though it was cloudy I had to squint the whole way home.

Wired because I just got home from trial practice and that always wires me. We went a full five and a half hours tonight, with my team being counsel (we alternate... tomorrow night, our team will be the witnesses for the other team). Adds quite a bit to the exhaustion.

Angry because I didn't get one positive comment. I mean, we're at the point where all we really get are nitpicking criticisms, which is fine, but every once in a while it would be nice to hear "You did this really well." I have no doubt that I'm probably at 75% "really well," and the focus now has to be on the other 25%, but still.

What I'm more angry about is that both the professor that acted as our judge and our regular advisor told me I was too much of a bitch on my cross-examination. Angry because they both admitted that it's because I'm a woman, and women just get perceived as bitchy when they're aggressive on cross.

I had no idea how much this would piss me off, but as the discussion moved on to the closings, I found myself stewing. It's a fucking CROSS-examination. You're SUPPOSED to be aggressive. I had about eight great points to make, and I sat down feeling like I had made them so well, really having tripped up the witness with inconsistencies and misstatements. I felt great about it, actually. But no, I was too "hostile."

Disappointed that in the year 2000, I'm not allowed to be hostile on cross because I'm a woman. That is FUCKED. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get.

Even more angry still because that just tapped in to a whole host of personal issues I have. I am treading water in the biggest aura of "lost" that I have felt in a long time, and I couldn't help but feel that the reason they noticed me being "bitchy" is because I am never bitchy in real life. So I did this great cross, slam-dunked the witness, feeling good about allowing myself to be aggressive, and I get slam-dunked in return for it.

I hate to admit this, but I went back to my boss's office in the library after everyone had left and cried for like twenty minutes. I think I've felt it building up for a couple of weeks, and I can't remember the last time I had a good self-pitying cry, but I did, right there in the school.

Sad because I really am feeling quite sorry for myself, which I hate. It just seems lately like every time I stand up and express myself, people react as though I had killed someone, or made a joke, one or the other.

I went home on Sunday to look for something my father needed. I was on the phone with him and he told me to go check in the basement for this file, and when I walked in, I smelled gas. He told me where to find the number for the gas company, so I called them and went outside to shovel the walkway, basically something to do outside the house until the guy could come and tell me I wasn't going to die or anything.

He did come and spent about an hour poking around for the root of the problem. I kept trying to call my father back and was always getting a busy signal, but by the time I got back to my apartment he had called to tell me to call him to tell him what was wrong.

I sent him a sassy but all-in-good-fun message about how I had tried to get him back but he felt it more important to be online rather than wait for me to inform him about whether the house had blown up, and got this e-mail back: "Don't know why the sarcasm was necessary, but I guess we all need to vent our frustrations somewhere."

Bullshit.

Then there's Gillian, who had e-mailed me that she was disappointed in our two-hour conversation (that I paid for) because she really didn't want to talk about Christian Science but went ahead to try to explain it to me again in such matter-of-fact terms that it was as though anyone who believed anything else was just plain wrong. I wrote her back and responded that I didn't think it was fair to imply that my beliefs (however shaky they are at the moment) were misguided simply because I didn't believe what she believes.

She called and left a message saying she couldn't believe I had taken her e-mail so seriously.

Bullshit again.

I think it all goes back to my January 11 entry. Everyone knows me as this nice, easy-going, non-boat-rocking person. God forbid our trusty little Elizabeth should stand up for herself.

Bullshit, one more time.

I want to say that I've made a decision. That I will not be soft on cross just because I'm a woman. That I will not allow my father to blow me off just because I'm his daughter. That I will not allow my friend to trivialize a defense of my faith just because I'm always so understanding.

But dammit, I can't.

Back in September, I bought this print and said that I wanted to be her, but I wasn't yet.