I know what this is.
This is a combination of my 29th birthday, the new year, the fact that I've had nothing but crap food and alcoholic slush for the past 24 hours, my period, Dido's No Angel six times in a row.
I just want to feel...
I watched a movie last night that made me want to smoke pot for the first time ever in my life.
I'm a little edgy. Maybe that's why.
This happens to me every year at this point, I think. I blame it on the fact that my birthday is so close to the end of the year, and because birthdays and new years are typical times for the how-can-I-fix-what's-wrong-with-my-life area of thinking, I fall into this self-inflicted double whammy of introspection.
So here we are. So much of what is swimming around in my head is not in any sort of coherent structure. I suppose it has generally to do with being 29 and realizing I'm not going to live forever and my life is on a certain track and it's soon time to make sure it's the track I want to be on because one day, maybe tomorrow, it will be too late to change it. And, of course, there is always one constant.
On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin...
Yes, I have friends, many of them. Good ones, great ones. Beloved ones.
But yet another year has passed where I have breathed a sigh of relief that there was no company Christmas party because I would not have had anyone to go with. Where I traveled alone to my parents for the holidays, visiting relatives who no longer bother to ask if I'm seeing anyone. Where I sat in another book club meeting with wives and pregnant wives and wives who are already mothers. Where I hauled my own suitcases from the baggage carousel to the satellite parking shuttle to the trunk of my car, up the stairs and into my apartment, all by myself.
Where no hand has held mine. Like that has ever happened.
Look, I know I don't talk about this much. It's embarrassing, frankly, and I don't think it makes for compelling journal material. And most of the time I just ignore it and pretend it's completely normal for me to be how I am and that I'm completely happy being how I am.
But there are times when I can't avoid it, and apparently, for some reason, I think it's a good idea to tell you that I'm pounding my head against it. Just for a little while.
I just want to be... happy again.
Blah. Sorry, everyone. Not an auspicious start to the year. I'll be back later.