Watching: SportsNight, SportsNight, how do I love thee. Also Saving Grace, a completely cute movie starring Brenda Blethyn. Rent it sometime, it's a nice little English treat, and just see if you don't want to get high too. Also, the BBC's Pride and Prejudice, all six installments, on New Year's Day, while indulging in Nutella and graham crackers. Nutella. Ooh.
Drinking: Slush. Eight cups of water, one cup of sugar, one cup of bourbon, one can of thawed orange juice concentrate, one can of thawed lemonade concentrate. Freeze for 24 hours. Scoop into a glass and top with Sprite or ginger ale or, if you're like me, eat it straight with a spoon. A dessert that gives you a buzz. Oooh.
Listening: Well, I purchased three CD's the other day: the aforementioned Dido (No Angel), the new Broadway cast recording of The Music Man, and this random sort of X-Files CD that is mostly sound cues with bits of dialogue morphed into it. All have turned out to be excellent selections. The only one I had heard before was Dido, and I knew I had to buy the album when I sat through an entire Eminem song just to hear the one he sampled.
Anticipating: All kinds of new movies. Shadow of a Vampire (because I'm still working through my bizarre little crush on Eddie Izzard); State and Main (because I'm still working through my bizarre little crush on Philip Seymour Hoffman); Bridget Jones' Diary (because even though they had to cast an American as Bridge, they got Colin Firth to play Mark Darcy, which is only perfect); Quills (I told you, I'm edgy lately).
Attempting: To forget that I saw Miss Congeniality last week. Ugh. No more accents for you, Sandy.
I've lost my little legal quote book, although it's probably time for something new anyway. Here's a lyric from that Eve 6 song that struck me today:
The tick-tock of the clock is painful
All sane and logical
I want to tear it off the wall...
Well, I didn't really mean to leave that entry hanging out there for so long, but I was the only analyst in the office this past week. Worked until 7:00 almost every night, which meant I was way too tired to fuss with this in the evenings.
Just as the title of the song I oh-so-eloquently quoted before, I am honestly OK. There are issues that must be worked out, just as there have always been, but I am at a point in my life where I feel like I might actually have what I need to be able to focus on them. Just maybe.
It's just going to be scary for a while, but that's how life is, eh?
I'm telling you one thing, though -- all the Valentine's Day crap that has suddenly appeared is not going to make it any easier. (I will also tell you something funny. Hallmark is based here in Kansas City, and I met a guy at a party last month who is the Valentine's Day card guy. His whole job is all about Valentine's Day cards, which ones sell, which ones don't, how big they should be, how many different kinds we need for our grandmothers. I thought that was so funny, that there is actually a Valentine's Day card guy. What a gig.)
But speaking of Valentine's Day, the only reason I anticipate that time of year is because that means that it is once again Oscar time. Not that there's much to anticipate this year, other than my famous (cough) online pool. I'll be amazed if the Academy can come up with five movies to nominate for Best Picture.
My guesses: Erin Brockovich, Almost Famous, Billy Elliot, Traffic, You Can Count On Me. Just guesses.
In some very preliminary Oscar news, I have an exciting announcement, which is that I am currently working on gaining the skills necessary to create an online entry form, thus eliminating all the cutting and pasting crap I've put you through for the last two years.
Okay. Maybe it wasn't all that exciting.
To be completely honest, I think this latest bout of angst (which, in the spirit of misery loving company, I have noticed others battling similar new-year heartburn) has more to do with turning 29 than anything else specifically.
I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the fact that I'm almost halfway to 60, and there are many, so many things that I have yet to do. And I'm running out of time. That sounds hyperbolic, and it probably is, but it is the most honest assessment of where my head is at the moment.
It sounds so cliche, in that icky new-age transcendental kind of way, but I feel like there is something more for me in this life than getting up and going to work and coming home and having dinner and watching television and going to bed and getting up and going to work...
But doesn't everyone, at some point or another, say that? Doesn't everyone think there is something else out there, something that will make their lives grand and exquisite and perfect in every way? Not necessarily the dream job or all the money in the world or a soaking wet Mr. Darcy greeting you at the door when you get home. I'm talking about an active pursuit, something that fills your soul, satisfies you to the core, something intangible, undefinable.
Hah. I can't even put into words what it is that I am looking for, and yet I expect to find it. Or rather, I expect it to materialize on my doorstep and greet me with a Caramel Macchiato and my Sunday paper.
I believe it exists. I don't think I know any truly soulfully contented people, but I've read about them, seen them on Oprah, in those human interest stories about families who jump off the corporate ladder and open a Christmas tree farm in Vermont or a vineyard in Napa Valley. Just yesterday, I read a feature in my Missouri Bar magazine about a young woman lawyer like myself who quit the very Firm I work for to move to Prague and work as in-house counsel for an American company there.
(I should probably tell you that it is currently 3:37 in the morning. I did not sleep well at all last night, and tossed for about an hour tonight until I gave up and settled at the computer with a bottle of Hard Core cider. I'm pretty sure that the cider has too mcuh sugar in it for me to actually get any sleepy effect from the alcohol, but we're giving it a shot.)
I think my point is this: I am missing something in my life, and I worry that I am getting too old to find it. That is not a profound thing, but it is how I feel, and much as I would like to feel profound things, it's just not happening today.