sunday, the thirtieth of september, two thousand one
gradual discovery

In the notify for the last entry, I said I wasn't going to write about September 11 any more. And, well, I'm not, at least, not specifically. But I was foolish to think I could just leave it behind because I said I would.

The thing is, I have started to think about moving.

Okay, that's not true. I am about 80% sure that I am moving, probably about a year from now, to Washington, DC.

I have been considering this for a couple of months, actually. No real impetus, just an underlying feeling that I'm not where I'm supposed to be. While I am not unhappy in Kansas City, I am not as content as I expected to be, and the idea of living here indefinitely is not as appealing as it once was. So I was just feeling unsettled, but not really ready to make a change.

Then two things happened. Number one, over Labor Day weekend, I found out that I failed the Kansas bar exam. (Yes, that is a big "L" on my forehead, thanks.) This caused some professional anxiety, because I now have to take the entire thing over again, and I couldn't figure out why I wanted to be licensed there so badly.

Number two was September 11. This, obviously, caused some serious personal anxiety, and a pesky truth I've been trying to deny is now undeniable: I want to be closer to my family. I need to be closer to my family. I used to automatically discount that as a decent reason to move, and now I have no idea why I ever felt that way.

The thing is, though... I thought I wanted to come back to Kansas City. By the time I graduated law school, I was as sure about that as I was about anything. So if it isn't really what I wanted, how do I know that DC is the right thing?

I don't trust myself now. Maybe I'm not supposed to be sure. If I do the math, though, it's a no-brainer.

Kansas City: Three good friends in town. One good friend four hours away. ZERO family within any reasonable driving distance. Career opportunites, to the extent they actually match my interests, extremely limited.

DC: Four good friends in town. Two parents ninety minutes away. One brother six hours away. Numerous aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins from two to four hours away. A dozen friends from law school from three to five hours away. My journal girls from three to five hours away. Career opportunities, to the extent the economy holds up, unlimited.

The catch, because of course there has to be one, is that at the moment, I cannot waive into the DC Bar. To do that, they require a minimum score on the MBE, the national portion of the bar exam. My Missouri score is one point below the minimum.

So. The current plan, the plan I have set out in my head that I'm just pretending is set in stone to see how I feel about it, is to take the Kansas bar exam again in February, with a goal of passing the essays (which is what I failed to do in July) and getting at least one more question correct on the MBE than I did last summer. Assuming I meet that goal, I'll job hunt through the spring and summer, and move in the fall.

(I don't know why I am compelled to focus on the negative, but at this point, it bothers me that I can't come up with a single thing wrong with this plan, a single con to balance the pros.)

Anyway. There's a larger picture here, and I'll try to develop it as must as possible over the next few entries. I'm not even sure I know what it looks like at this point, but I'll do what I can, because I, for one, would really like to see it.